Look What I Found In The Medina Gazette!?

There’s a writer named John Gladden who has a spot on the opinion page in The Gazette. In the January 25 issue (which I get for free, because The Gazette has the amazing policy of giving the residents a copy of the paper free once a week!) John Gladden used his article to ask questions. I have a feeling that these questions were all rhetorical, but I wouldn’t be any good at life if I just went around assuming that strangers weren’t clamoring for my opinion.

I’m going to put his questions here, then answer them in italics. In case anyone (me) is worried about plagarism or any other proprietary offenses, here’s The Gazette’s webpage. Also, I’ll email this link to Mr. Gladden at gladden@frontier.com. There, now that all the legal stuff is taken care of (what, that stuff all seemed lawyerly, right?), here’s the payoff (remember, the questions John wrote are regular, my responses are italicized):

*****

As a person whose career is more or less that of a professional 5-year-old, mind if I ask a few questions?

As someone who’s always wanted that career, I say go for it.  It’ll give me a reason to pretend like this is my job, too.

Have you seen the shorts that The Ohio State University men’s basketball team is wearing these days? How can they call them “shorts?” They’re so long, they might as well be pants, wouldn’t you say?

No, I’d say that they’re shorts.  I agree that they are a little too long, and that makes them look a little dumb, but I’m not about to run around sounding like some old man saying things like “whippersnapper” and ”   “… What else do old men say?

How is it that men’s basketball fashions have gone from the short-shorts of the 1970s to the long and baggy look today, when uniforms in many women’s sports seem to be going in the opposite direction? But who’s complaining?

Because back in the 1970s there were still people who thought men were attractive.  Hell, back in the 1970s men actually were attractive.  Sean Connery was a big star and the Bee Gees were killing the teen sensation market with those awesome mullets.  Since then, the public has started to realize the truth about men.  We’re not attractive.  Think about it this way, the tighter the uniform, the more weird hair everyone can see.  Conversely, women are hot.

Wonder who would win a match-up between OSU and the Cleveland Cavaliers?

These are always popular questions when you’re talking terrible pro teams, but the fact is that the pro team will ALWAYS win.  Well, in basketball, football and hockey at least.  I haven’t decided about baseball.  I think a good college team could have hit against the Indians on nights that Frank Herrmann and Nick Hagadone were sharing the mound with Jensen Lewis (on bad nights) and Hector Rondon.  The question would be whether or not last year’s depleted Tribe line up could hit a college kid with good stuff.  I have to think that the college team would beat a (really) bad MLB team about 35% of the time. 

The NBA or NFL, though?  Never.  The skill level, strength and speed of professionals will destroy a group of teenagers, no matter how good the teenagers happen to be.

No wonder Cavs owner Dan Gilbert is getting into the casino gambling business, right? What is it they say? “The house never loses?”

It sounds like we may disagree on the casino issue.  I think, along with some other initiatives to change downtown (specifically the Cleveland Aquarium (follow on twitter @CLE_aquarium)) the casino project can help up catch up to Chicago.  And finally end the Detroit comparisons.  Sorry, Detroit, but you’re miasma is really killing the Eastern Great Lakes Region.

We can only hope Medina County’s Joe Tait is back on the radio soon to give us some reason to tune in, eh?

Get well, Joe.  Our prayers are with you. 

Why is it that kids can hear a whispered conversation they are not supposed to hear from across the house, but claim they didn’t hear you when you yelled at them to wash for dinner?

Secrets are way more interesting than broccoli, besides, they already ate all those cookies…

Isn’t there something Orwellian about Ohio Gov. John Kasich appointing an oil guy as head of the Department of Natural Resources? What? Was Paul Bunyan unavailable to head up the Department of Forestry?

The Human Torch is available to head up the Public Safety Commission now that Marvel is killing his comic character off.

Got your garden seed order ready to go?

Ya, but I’m afraid the electric company will notice. (This is a marijuana joke.  Even if you don’t get it, laugh.  It’s funny, i promise.)

How is it that of the several toilet-paper-using people who live in my house, I am the only one who walks into the bathroom and checks to make sure there is toilet paper on the roll before it becomes a crisis?

The best part is that each one of the other toilet paper users in your house thinks the exact same thing.  And most likely complain amongst each other about how you never change the roll.

Anyone else embarrassed to admit watching the TV game show “Wipeout?” Why is it so funny to watch a grown person bounce off a large rubber ball and fall into a mud pit?

There was a moment in a pitch meeting 3 years ago when someone said, “Big Balls”.  That’s all it took.  Half of the fun of that show is describing how these people are getting mauled by balls and poles.  Give Tosh.0 a spin, you might explode.

What’s with Ohio first lady Karen Kasich and American first lady Michelle Obama wearing short-sleeve dresses in January apparently to show off their finely tuned upper arms? How many other moms of young children have that much time to tone their triceps?

Rich ones.  Derision about workload aside, if I had the time, I’d be buff, too.  And I’d show it off.  The world wouldn’t be able to resist me in a sleeveless dress.

Is there any month longer than February? What if scientists could bottle Essence of February? It would be like an anti-aging elixir, wouldn’t it?

The only month longer than February is every forth Febuary. (AND EVERY OTHER MONTH). Maybe I didn’t understand the question.

How come the morning’s first cup of black coffee tastes so sweet and the last cup tastes so bitter?

Because the first cup of coffee is fresh out of the pot, singing aromatic songs of awareness and promise.  The last cup comes out bitching about how tired it always is and how the bosses never appreciate all the hard work it does.

Have you seen Little Mismatched clothing? Once again, why didn’t I think of this? Did you know, little children, that once there was a day when parents would not send their kids out of the house in clothes that didn’t match?

Parents are also wearing sweat pants that look like jeans and Crocs out in public.  This isn’t a good thing.

Why is it every time I heard the name of China’s President Hu on NPR News it sounded like the name of a Dr. Seuss character to me?

The Cat in the Take Out Container?

Don’t you love it when people clear their driveways by throwing the snow out into the road?

I throw it in my yard.  People have a hard enough time not driving like knob jobs in the winter without me making it any worse.

Did I ever mention I have a peanut butter problem? Why is it as a kid I thought peanut butter sandwiches were boring and now I can’t stop eating them? Just another of life’s cruel ironies, I suppose?

I used to love peas, now I think they are little balls of satan.  The texture makes me want to purge everything I’ve ever eaten on the spot.  So, like what you said, but opposite. 

Are there still Christmas decorations up anywhere other than at The Old Gladden Place? Why is it so many people get them out two months ahead and take them down the day after?

Because as exciting as Christmas is, it’s an even bigger relief to get done with it.  Also because the faster I get the lights down, the sooner I can spend the next two months watching football.

Almost time to wash buckets for maple syrup season, isn’t it?

You mean almost time for me to buy some Aunt Jemima?

Speaking of syrup, did you see where a tanker truck accidentally spilled 7,000 pounds of corn syrup on Interstate 71? Wouldn’t that be a great idea for helping control speeding? If the threat of a ticket or car crash won’t stop people from driving too fast, why not coat the freeway in sticky goo? That’d slow them down, wouldn’t it?

Have you seen the obesity rates in Ohio?  People would be speeding TOWARD the sticky goo.  FREE BREAKFAST!

If that doesn’t work, maybe the $3.75 per gallon gas they’re forecasting for March and April will force motorists to ease off the gas? Yeah, who am I kidding?

I’m going to walk and ride a bike a lot more.  So should all the people who are speeding to the goo.

What say we break for a nice peanut butter sandwich? Or two?

You need to be using jelly.

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4 Comments

Filed under Civic Duty, Medina, My Opinion, Uncategorized

4 responses to “Look What I Found In The Medina Gazette!?

  1. you forgot “get off my lawn!”

    I’m very excited about the effort (seems well planned and fueled) for the aquarium and do have hope for the casinos. They can be a nice base and move into the future. I hope ohio (and CLE specifically) will continue to (and even more) look to the many talented artists to help put us back out there in a good light. Store front art installations, theatre groups, videos, writer projects can help fuel. The wife and I are hoping to have our theatre company debut sometime this year and hope to expand (and find a permanent home for it) eventually into a bar/theatre/burlesque/all artist venue.

    /rant

    • Ha. There’s been some funny “Get off my lawn” stuff going around lately.

      Anyway, good luck with the theater project! If you need a hyping hand, let me know.

      Even though I live in Medina now, its going to be impossible to get the Cleveland out of me. I’m excited about the lakefront development, too. And I’d love to see a quality art scene blossom downtown.

      Cleveland has pimpin’ potential. We’ll get there.

  2. Well struck, sir! I especially liked the Bee Gees shout-out and the vision of the “Big Balls” pitch meeting.

    Thanks for reading and for having fun with the column.

    John

  3. Pingback: Medina Gazette

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