The Great Coconut War of 2010

**Cue wavy dream sequence/flashback type camera effects. Focus to Samuel Clemens looking history professor.

The calendar on the wall reads September 2085**

Professor Neutralski: Good morning. I trust everyone had a good weekend, and that you’re all prepared for today’s lecture. Today we’ll be discussing the Great Coconut War of 2010, and its effects on the global agricultural community.

It started as a ruse on the social network Twitter between two men; the now widely known @railbirdj, and the nefarious hipster @davepolak.

For weeks the one time friends recruited people to their causes. @Railbirdj had a veritable “Who’s Who” of the Cleveland social scene ready to defend the disgustingness of coconuts, and willing to work towards the eradication of all things suspiciously flaky while @Davepolak was assembling an underground network of hipsters and hippies with the ultimate goal of the streets running white with pina coladas.

We know now that coconuts are a scourge, and that the milk of these hideous shells causes a malaise on society like no other, but at the time there was never society without them. The people of 2010 didn’t know the connections between coconuts and the aliens that destroyed the Mayans, or how those very same aliens were using the maturation of their coconut groves as timeline for their return.

But @Railbirdj knew. He knew that he had to defeat @Davepolak and #teampinacolada for the good of the world. That’s why he, @AHGinCLE, @jukebox65 and @alwysabridesmd confronted @Davepolak at Parnell’s Pub one night.

See, @Davepolak hadn’t been the same since his Hipster Funeral. He looked the same, but he no longer had the gusto to fight for his cause, and without his #teampinacolada general @CraigC, he didn’t stand a chance against #teamanticoconut.

@Railbirdj threw @Davepolak’s Guinness aside and blocked his view of UEFA Champions League soccer. @AHGinCLE and @Jukebox65 each grabbed an arm and @Railbirdj laid a hand on his head. @Davepolak finally saw the error in his judgement.

He saw the Mayan’s running in terror from the coconut shaped spaceships. He saw Adolf Hitler speaking in hushed tones to the coconut tree in his office. He heard Mark Shapiro of the Cleveland Indians laughing diabolically while Johnny Peralta peeled off his human mask to reveal his true coconut form after the Asdrubal Cabrera injury.

But, the irony the broke the hipster’s back was when it was revealed to him the Recording Industry Association of America was another coconut alien run organization. The same RIAA the has been trying for years to eradicate vinyl and move the audiophillic public towards CDs and low quality MP3 files.

With that vision, @Davepolak straightened, and in full hipster self-importance, declared war on the coconut aliens of the RIAA and that very night began formulating a plan with @Railbirdj to get to the White House and lobby for the closing of all coconut groves before 2012.

Of course, class, the rest is boring, litigious history that’s loaded with big words and judges and things. Those aren’t as important as knowing why coconuts are a poison to society.

**The sound of a bell interrupts the lecture**

I guess that’s it for the day. Have a good evening, and don’t forget to have the chapter on the failure of wind energy as a viable long term resource read and summarized by Wednesday!

**More camera trickery.

End Scene**

PS- I win.



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2 responses to “The Great Coconut War of 2010

  1. Jen

    If they’re evil, can I keep eating them to extinction? 🙂

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